Veteran of War: A Poem
It is very difficult for me to form words that can accurately express how I feel. Poetry has been one of the most effective ways for me to communicate my feelings, but it can only express symbolically how I feel. Being a veteran isn't easy, but I will touch on that tomorrow when I post another poem. Today, I wanted to share a poem that expressed the totality of how I feel on any given day. It is not easy to read, but it wasn't easy to write either.
Veteran of War
I feel like my soul has built up a damn
I don’t know how to break it or change it
I’ve had this deep sense of despair
I can’t shake it and I can’t let it out
As the emotions sit inside me they churn into rage
I feel sadness and anger build up behind my eyes
But nothing will come out
No matter how heartbroken I feel
Nor how many tears build up behind my eyes
The damn will not break
The war I experienced still echoes on this earth
The Iraqis have been poisoned by our weapons
Bombs are once again being dropped on Iraq
And I can’t do a fucking thing about it
I can’t stop all the death
I can’t protect the Iraqis
I can’t take back my going there
I can’t end the suffering
I constantly fear Iraq
I remember it every day
Different events that occurred
Fires, bombs, conversations, fears, and realizations
I will never again be that naïve woman who got on the plane at 22
I will never be able bodied and of sound mind like I was then
I don’t know how to overcome these memories that erupt from my mind
I don’t know how reconcile with feeling like a coward
I didn’t want to go
I would have done almost anything to get out of it
But I didn’t run
I followed my orders
I made friendships and I lost a friend
I felt more fear than I ever felt in my life
And I can’t even express the terror
I can’t express it completely through words, art, or physically
The fear breached all levels of my communication
It sticks with me like tar
I feel like my body and mind have turned against me
They no longer work with me
My body is a vessel that is constantly broken
I am in constant pain all day and all night
There is no ceasing my pain
I can only ebb it
Fatigue weighs on me like Kevlar gear in the hot sun
The simplest of tasks now require more than I have to give
I feel pathetic and incapable
I have a soul that is independent
Trapped in a body
And controlled by a mind
That are dependent
To see other poems and works about war and what it is like to be a veteran, please see http://lezvet.blogspot.com/