Remembering Ethan Kreutzer

On Thursday, October 30th we lost a member of our community to his own hands. Ethan Kreutzer was a member of IVAW Bay Area who served in the Army from 2002 to 2004. He was a veteran of the war in Afghanistan. He left a lasting impression on everyone he came into contact with and couldn't stay in one place for too long due to his wandering soul. We wanted to highlight some remembrances of Ethan from close friends of his. As we mourn his loss please take the opportunity to read about our brother who has moved on: 

In Memory of Ethan Kreutzer

By Becca Von Behren of Civ/Sol

Ethan, do you remember that one time we were at the donut shop where we always got coffee, and I was having a really bad run of it, and you had me make that list? I was really not doing well those days, and you came and got me from work, and sat me down at our donut shop, and you made me come up with a list of things that I could think of that made me happy to be alive, and you wrote the things down on some torn up piece of paper you found in your bag? I've been tearing up my room, all the little places where I keep important things, and I can't find the list, Ethan. It must have gotten lost in one of the million moves I did that same summer (moves you helped me with every time). All I want right now is that list. I need to remember those things.

But I guess I'll have to rely on what you said after we were done making the list, and I was feeling a lot better. In such a typical Ethan way, you explained to me that the whole thing was kind of a trick. The exercise doesn't really make you feel better because it reminds you that there are things that make you happy - which is what you would think it is doing. The exercise makes you happy because when you are trying to think of things that make you happy, you picture them, that makes your brain release happy chemicals, and that's what makes you feel better. So, I guess I don't really need to know what is on the list to start to feel better, I can just think of things that make me happy, magic happy juice will squirt out of my brain, and I will feel a little better (sorry Ethan, I don't have the capacity to retain as much information as you do).

I think I will sit here. Maybe listen to some Judas Priest in your honor, and think about things that make me happy that I am alive, like the fact that I was able to share this life with someone like you, who came to get me from work, sat me down at a donut shop, to have me make that list.

Rest In Peace, Ethan. 

You are loved.

Guardian Angel

By Eddie Falcon of IVAW SF

Ethan met the San Francisco IVAW chapter by chance but joined by choice in 2009. A few of us were in the smoke shop that used to be below our hangout spot, the anarchist collective Station 40, when he walked right up to me and asked, “Are you Eddie Falcon? Do you know Stephen Funk? I’ve been reading all about you guys and IVAW on the internet.” At first I was a little sketched out, but he seemed so enthused and charming that I had to exchange numbers with this young veteran.

It wasn’t long after that he not only became a member of IVAW but also joined our auxiliary unit, Station 40. At one point, we almost took over that collective and were nearly synonymous. Ethan, like all of us, was battling addiction but he was the only one of us who could keep sober at all at the time. Needless, to say, he got into a lot of fights with us that first Summer of 2009 while trying to keep sober. But what family doesn’t have a few feuds? We cared about each other and when our opinions or world views didn’t match, we cared so much that we fought. It got really bad.

Luckily, Steven Funk’s Make Drag Not War event and fundraiser for the Dialogues Against Militarism delegation to Israel and Palestine that some of us were on saved us. Ethan and the rest of us vets had a liberating experience to get out of our macho selves and dress in drag to put on a fabulous show. Ethan kissed and made up with us, some of us he literally kissed. It was a beautiful night. Ethan participated in every consecutive Make Not Drag War thereafter culminating in his very own performance “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga. It depicts the homophobia and sexual abuse of queer people in the military. It is heavy hitting, in true Ethan fashion.

Ethan left the Bay Area to travel the globe as he loved to do. The world was his home, but the Bay Area was his home base. Ethan, the prodigal son, returned in late 2010 to not only do another Make Drag Not War, but attempt to create a veteran house with me and Ryan Lockwood. We called it, the Shell Shock house. We had some laughs, cries, and of course some words between us. But all in all it was a great experience with brothers in struggle until the fake landlord was busted by the real landlord and we had to move out do to complications with that. The fake landlord tried to get us out of the house so the real landlord wouldn’t see us because, we didn’t know, we weren’t supposed to be living there. I refused and the fake landlord called me a “little bitch.” I’ll never forget how quickly Ethan stepped into the living room, with fists clenched, to have my back. That guy was so scared he backed out of the house changing his tune and apologizing. Ethan liked to fight us sometimes, but he wouldn’t let another person dare lay a hand on any of us. He was a big guy, but he would always protect the little guy, the underdog, he was a true warrior and protector. I feel a little less safe in the world with him gone.

In fact, the whole world will be missing its favorite traveller and peacemaker. He became a scholar of sorts from all his travels. I’ll always remember all those phone calls I’d receive, he’d be in any corner of the world, and giving me the history and political turmoil that led to the current state of Indo-China for example. Someone once said that he could be completely full of shit and the next minute be so full of humbling knowledge and wisdom. Another thing he was capable of, was a sincere sense of empathy I’ve never seen in anyone else. However you were feeling, he could meet you at your level and make you feel like he was feeling it with you. Ethan had an honest heart and his presence alone was healing. I just wish he could’ve got the same healing for himself that he gave all of us. Maybe we would still be fighting, side by side, for a better world that he envisioned where the brutality of war and trauma of a militarized society would end. Ethan will always be a part of our hearts and souls as we struggle to stop the suffering and casualties produced by all of society’s wars, whether they be abroad or here in our homes. We love you big guy, may you Rest In Paradise.

Words for Ethan

By Siri Margerin of Civ/Sol

When someone dies the tendency is to share all the good stuff and throw up a shiny sanitized version of the person to remember. Kind of like how all veterans are heros, (especially if they are dead.) 

Ethan was a whole, big, mess of person. He was smart and had a huge, loyal heart. He was full of curiosity and mischief and energy. He was also tremendously challenging. Sometimes because he just loved to argue and push any obvious buttons. Sometimes because he was a super sensitive, broken hearted man and he would fight hard if he felt attacked. Feeling attacked, ready to fight was one of Ethan’s default modes. It was tough when he turned on you, no joke. He could be infuriating, aggravating, demanding, he could be oblivious. 

He had a hard time settling down and sticking. He was much more at ease moving on. But he didn’t just leave us in his dust. He wanted us to follow along from afar. it was pretty much understood that he would be back. 

Ethan was also amazingly open to hope, to love, and to the wild and beauty of the world.  This did not stop him from tunneling deep into despair but it felt like he was willing to rise up again. That is what we were counting on, that he would be back to ride the rollercoaster with us again.

So, Ethan, I love you forever, as you were, for the worst and for your amazing best. This is the best of what we do for each other in this community, this is that matters most:  we recognise each other, traumatized, cranky, fly-off-the-handle, dug-in, always questioning, challenging. And oh yes, loyal-as-f and got-your-back. Come as you are. We can fight, we do fight (but we don’t have to.) And forgive, that is real too. 

Rest in peace, rest in power my dear friend. Ethan DeFiant. I wish you didn’t have to go.