I am a third-generation serviceman: my dad was a career Air Force NCO, as was my mom's dad, and my paternal grandfather was a dogface in Europe. Lack of initiative and follow-through, as well as my inability to concentrate on college, heavily influenced my decision to enlist. The events of 9/11 were also a factor. Although it was a year and a half after the event, I supported the war in Afghanistan and felt obligated to contribute to the safety of America, which had been built on the sacrifices of others. So I became a soldier's soldier, not because I wanted college money or job skills, but because it seemed the only honorable thing to do. Although it might sound archaic, I hoped to test my mettle, and by virute of the hardship of combat, to become a man.

I did, and then some. The Army opened my eyes to the world around me... But not always in a good way. After being trained to feel invincible, I was shipped to Korea to serve as a speed-bump for the North Korean Army. Then, not long before my tour there was to end, I was part of the historical deployment to a combat zone of an already forward-deployed unit as the 2nd Infantry Division's 2nd Brigade Combat Team was sent to Iraq.

It wasn't long before I was a changed man. I never supported the war in Iraq, especially after it had been revealed to be based on false intelligence, but that was only the beginning. Months of ineffective daily "suicide" route patrols and frequent Company- and Battalion-level missions left me disillusioned and drained.

Finally, the death of a well-loved junior officer as I did my best to save his life pushed me too far. About a month later, I decided that I couldn't participate in this war as a combatant anymore. I suffered a kind of mental collapse and sought psychological help, making it known to my chain of command that I intended to shoot myself through my feet if they did not help me find the proper assistance. With a bit of "psychological warfare"--some by the people I sought help from, and some from myself--I temporarily overcame my misgivings and finished out my tour.

However, all was not well. What has been seen can't be unseen, and what has been done can't be undone. After my unit's redeployment to the US, I struggled to understand what I had been through in Iraq. Although my chain of command was not very helpful, I was eventually able to seek mental health treatment for depression and PTSD. I was medicated and participated in counseling. I tried my best to get myself together in anticipation of the end of my contract, with mixed results.

I feel that IVAW is an enormously important resource to veterans. Joining was my way of trying to atone for the fact that I was too weak to go with my gut in Iraq and simply quit this illegal, immoral war. It's sickening to see what has been done in the name of "democracy". Bush's administration takes in people and spits them out as hamburger meat in an endless war on an intangible idea. It's senseless, and it needs to stop.