In 1998 at age 18, I auditioned for the Army Band and enlisted impulsively and without informed consent. I spent a year playing flute in an all-purpose band at Fort Campbell, and the remainder of my enlistment playing fife in the Old Guard Fife and Drum Corps, one of the Army's "special" bands tasked only with music, not combat training. The position offered permanent station, schedule flexibility, and automatic E6.

In my time at the fife and drum corps, I was able to live a faux-civilian lifestyle, free enough to blossom as a seemingly autonomous person, but always held down by the chains of the Army. Slowly, as the new centurial events unfolded before me - Bush coming into office, the climate shift of 9/11, the swelling American fear - I began to comprehend what it meant to belong to the service. I played beautiful music for this militant machine!? Was this how I wanted to contribute to the world? Could I justify doing it? What message was I sending by strengthening an organization, by accepting its pay and benefits, if I didn’t believe in the principles of the institution? Was I, however inadvertently, killing people?

I grew ethically and spiritually strong, over time coming to the realization that my contribution, however indirect, was harming mother earth and her children. To stay would compromise my morals; I was a conscientious objector. In June 2003, I left the military.

One year of rootless international traveling followed, and for two years i lived in quietude, avoiding telling anyone I was a veteran out of fear, embarrassment, and overwhelming guilt. In the last year, I've finally felt ready to bring my past out, and I joined IVAW to seek support in speaking out about the mental destruction and emotional trauma the military imprints on all of us. Today I study the science and art of home birth midwifery as a spiritual exercise, a healing ritual, and to bring balance on both a personal and a global level.